Over the years I have worked with many people to help them save their marriage. This is very often the most difficult challenge people are confronted with in their life. Most often, they have been faced with a spouse who wants to leave when they themselves want to save their marriage.
However, in virtually every case, I have found that saving a marriage requires only 3 steps. It doesn’t matter the other details of a person’s situation… there are really only three things you need to do if you want to save your marriage from divorce. And, fortunately, none of these rely on co-operation from your spouse. You can make the difference on your own.
Step #1: Stop the Conflict
If you are facing the breakdown of your marriage I am sure you are in a lot of pain right now. You’re probably experiencing such emotions as hurt, stress, anxiety, uncertainty, anger, resentment, frustration and fear. Unfortunately, all of these feelings, while understandable, will simply create more conflict between you and your spouse. They (as I am sure you are finding) only make matters worse. driving the two of you even further apart.
So you need to stop creating the pain and conflict, both in yourself and in your relationship. You simply can’t move forward in saving your marriage until you do this. Is this easy? No. But it is simple. Just make a promise to yourself that no matter what happens, you won’t do anything that will create more conflict or negativity. That includes arguing, complaining, reacting, being angry or upset, no matter how justified you feel. In the words of the Tao, “The true warrior walks away.”
Step #2: Win Back Your Spouse’s Respect
Most people want to get their spouse to love them again, but there is an important thing that must happen first. They need to respect you. And I’m talking about a deep respect where they are willing to listen to you, consider how you feel, and be willing to be open to giving things another try with you.
So after you have stopped the pain from happening between you, got rid of the resentment and got things back to “square one”, you need to rebuild a mutual respect.
Start by showing your spouse that your respect THEM. Don’t judge them for their feelings and wants (even if that includes wanting a divorce). Resist letting them know you disapprove. Instead, ask yourself: “What are the abilities, qualities and achievements I admire about my spouse?” If you start to see them in a new way they will begin to see YOU in a new way.
Step #3: Rebuild the Emotional Connection
Once your spouse has stopped feeling bad about you and is starting to look at things from your point of view and see you as a person worthy of listening to, now is the time to develop their feelings for you again. This is when they realize how much they used to love you. They remember the great times you shared. They start to get those good feelings about you back – and realize that they don’t really want to throw it all away.
You and your spouse have been through a lot together, good and bad. You need to get them feeling a lot more of the good than they currently are. Once you are acting like a person they would want to be around, remind them of some of the good times you used to have. Recall specific incidents when the love between you was at its strongest. Having removed the walls between you (in steps 1 and 2) you can now reopen the door to their heart.
If you want to save your marriage, simply follow these 3 steps. In every single case of couples getting back together that I have seen, it has happened through this process.